Sometime... I am asking myself... who can understand my feeling.... Who can know what I am doing.... no one.... ever ever know... because they think that... what ever I do or think is not a matter....Sometime... I try not to think and not to see... and not to know.....Maybe I am just trying to run away... of all the things that happen around me... no matter towards... family... love... and friendship..... I do not know how long I could run away from all this.....
As for my family..... I really do not know how to say... Is just that I have my own reason not to take over... but you all just force me to do something which I am not willing too.... Have you ever ask what is the reason..... no you all did not... you all only ask me to make my decision...... But is is a stress.... to me..... Seriously I do not like people talk at the back of me... don't ever think I do not know what others talk at the back of me.... Is just that... when I say it out... it is really hurt.... maybe.... one mistake that... you all made is... choose me..... as your children.... For all this year...I know that you all love me... but something can't hide is.... how other people talk about me.....I should be protected by you all not being bully by someone..... when ever anything happen.... you all say nothing.... but just a word of sorry..... I am really tired already....I am tired of acting I am strong.... I don't mind what they say... and I am tired of everything... I am doing....
Actually I thought.... I found... Lovies Ang Chiew Fong ..... is a good thing to me... but who knows in ended up to be in this way...... I thought that... when I am with her I feel family... I feel love... I feel warm... but who knows she is also the one to hurt me the most... but thank god that I have already let go of her.... Maybe I am lack of family love and warm... so when ever anyone... treat me nice... I would just accept with no hesitation..... Who can tell me..... what is the... things... I am suppose to do... for the time.... I am lost for very long..... no matter how hard... I try... I will never ever get out of it.....
One of my friend... say that.... I bang my head on the wall again... when I meet the mystery person..... but seriously... I did not... because the only things I know is I did not... I am a human... I know who treat me well.. and who don't.... just to say that... I am not doing anything blindly..... I am just choosing the things I want to do... and what is right to do..... But one things I can say is being with that mystery person... I feel so warm..... and I can feel the things that... I have lost for very long or I should say that... she made me found back that the things I have lost..... being with her... I can't hide... anything... maybe my friend was right... towards her I lost my...sense... and I lost my "pan duan li"....that's why I can say that... she is in the list already... because I do not know why that mystery person have this kind of power to make me lost all this.... maybe because of her character completely show me as one......and make me scared of her ba and maybe she is the one that I am waiting for and looking for.... but no matter what... the only things.... I can say is.. thanks.... to that mystery person..... ...... at the time now just let it be... as it is... when the times.. comes... if the mystery person mean to be... automatically will happen.... because another friend of mine ask me to ask her...... I do not want to do so... because I find no reason to do so...... as I say the god will plan for me..... and the god already... got the decision for me...... what ever it is... for the time being... just leave it at it is......btw thanks also for letting me be... myself when... I am with you..... because... nothing I can hide... haha....... anyway... I will not do anything... because..... I like the feeling now.. and I do not want to loose.... anything... God please bless me and the mystery person.... thanks...
I really do not have... mood to do anything... at the moment.....I just feel like cry that's all.... But what ever it is... there is good and bad things happen..... I just have face the bad things.... If I can face it... everything would be fine..... anyway....I just want to say that..... for the time being..... I do not want to do any decision..... at all..... For the time being just continue...to fake and be strong.....I just want to say that... I care... so everything is a matter to me even it is just a small matter...... god bless all of us....
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